


As I live 살다가 [Completed]

by cheonssamja



Category: Buzz (Korea Band), Super Junior, 아는 형님 | Knowing Bros | Ask Us Anything
Genre: Angst, Debut, M/M, Mental, One Shot, Trainee Era, knowing brother, twist - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 20:40:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14480787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheonssamja/pseuds/cheonssamja
Summary: Heechul thinks he is a bit special because he is the only one Kyunghoon talks to.





	As I live 살다가 [Completed]

 

Heechul felt comfortable with the group of men in the training room as him. It’s not like they were all terrible, but he felt like he had a pretty good chance of debuting because he is pretty confidence in his appearance.

 

Jaejoong was the other handsome one but he already debuted in DBSK so he is not a worry anymore. Everything felt like it was going well, despite Seoul being a different city than what he was used to. After getting the gist of everything, things started to fall into place. It felt peaceful until a new trainee was introduced.

 

The other trainees despised him right off the bat because he had very good vocals and not to mention he is also very good looking. He had very pretty eyes and a high button nose, his hair was long but gave him a very neat appearance. He introduced himself as Kyunghoon, and Heechul would describe him as just a regular pretty boy, good vocals but probably not good at performing.

 

Unfortunately for him, he was paired up with that trainee to practice singing together and also be roommates in the dorms. In that moment, Heechul realized that Kyunghoon is so easy going because he was so shy and rarely talks. He had no intention of becoming a singer and got casted instead of his friend who auditioned with him. It was easy to see that he had no clear motive in becoming an idol and that’s why Heechul thinks they could be friends, he doesn’t think of Kyunghoon as a competitor anymore.

 

“Hyung, if you get picked to debut, you better not forget me because you’re so famous.” Kyunghoon gave him a small pout. His aegyo sometimes came out so naturally and it was part of his charm that made Heechul really fond of him.

 

“How could I forget the guy who helped me to sing using my head?”

 

“Hyung!!” his whining made Heechul laughed because he’s such a child.

 

They hung out a lot during trainee days and even got in trouble for sneaking out at night with each other. Sure they got punished for getting caught but it didn’t stop them- or well Heechul to keep on dragging the other out. Their personalities were so alike that with each interaction, Heechul found himself falling for the younger.

 

\--

 

The heavy rain earlier reduced to some light veil of mist and coldness surrounding his body. Still he could sense everyone eyes on him and he had to reassure everyone that he just got a bit wet from the weather and a cold, he will still go back and train.

 

Turned out it was hard to train because he caught a cold. He stayed inside that day while Kyunghoon bought him soup that night. Seeing Kyunghoon run back and forth to grab him hot towels and take care of him, Heechul knows he is in fact in love with the other. He just needed a good time to confess.  

 

He decided that tomorrow would be the day he will confess. He had plans on bringing the other out to drink and hopefully don’t choke when he makes his confession.

 

\--

 

“Heechul hyung” Donghae called out as he stepped closer to Heechul, “We will go out for dinner together. Do you want to come along?”

 

“Aren’t you going to ask Kyunghoon too? You guys keep ignoring him.”

 

Heechul’s cold words made Donghae taken back as he looked at Kyunghoon beside Heechul. “W-Would you also like to join us Kyunghoon hyung?”

 

Heechul looks at Kyunghoon and Kyunghoon nodded and gave him a happy smile, indicating his excitement. He is so pure and his personality was notable and easy to read.

 

During dinner, Kyunghoon extended his chopsticks out to grab a piece of meat but Eunhyuk reached for it at the same time. Eunhyuk then backed off, surprised by the low and whisper-like voice coming from Heechul. Heechul isn’t always this uptight and mean but he gets really protective of Kyunghoon because the younger helped him so much. His life had changed after he met the younger and even more than he could imagine, he felt more alive when he is with the younger.

 

“Hyung, this dinner is delicious but I am afraid it will be expensive. I don’t have a lot of money with me.” Kyunghoon chewed on his bottom lip while making a sign that he should stop eating. Instead Heechul picked up more food on the table and placed it on Kyunghoon’s plate. He noted the rest of the guys eyeing him but he ignored them.

 

“Eat more. Hyung will pay for your portion.”

 

The rest of the guys just looked at them and then at each other, everyone kept silence afraid to face the wrath of Heechul.

 

Softly Heechul heard mumbling from Kyunghoon and then looked at the other guys in the table. “Why don’t you guys eat? It’s making Kyunghoon awkward.”

 

Quickly, everyone focused on their food and managed to finish all their portions. Kyunghoon looked at Heechul and smiled sincerely, it felt really nice to see someone care so much for him.

 

The moment their eyes made contact, Heechul really is contemplating whether or not to confess to the other. What if Kyunghoon puts a defense over their friendship and they will not go back to this type of closeness? But then what if they could be something more? Could he risk all of that?

 

The guys wanted to go clubbing after dinner. Everyone was ready to make a fool out of themselves, also dance, and maybe pick up some girls along the way, even though they could get in trouble, they were willing to take the risk. Training life has taken a toll on all of their mentality so they needed to get away.

 

“Hyung do you want to come with us?” Yesung asked even though he already knew the answer.

 

“Kyunghoon doesn’t like to go clubbing, so we will take a walk together around Hongdae.” Yesung said nothing and watched as Heechul turned away dismissively.

 

The road had been silent for the most part. Whenever they sat down to rest, Kyunghoon would stare into the dark sky. The stars were surely beautiful, shining brightly through the night. It was night to see that stars shine this beautiful because the surroundings were dark. There were many thoughts running through Heechul’s head and he didn’t want to think about what would happen if he completely destroyed this friendship but he is known for having a blunt personality, he will not find another moment like this.

 

“Hoonie, have you ever thought of being in a relationship with a guy?”

 

It could be a question that would offend some people, especially if the two aren’t close, but their friendship had already been established. Only a soft breeze through the tree could be heard and Heechul felt his heartbeat increased but then fell back into normal speed thinking he is getting his hopes up.

 

He knew his personality is sometimes shitty to others, but for now he thought he treated Kyunghoon very well. It should be good enough for Kyunghoon to at least sincerely answer his question.

 

“Depends on the guy...” Kyunghoon trailed off but his face looked somewhat sad. His monotonic tone is making Heechul confused but Heechul isn’t one to beat around the bush.

 

“How about me? Let me be your boyfriend.” Heechul grabbed Kyunghoon’s shoulder and rubbed his head with his knuckles, his nervous earlier disappeared and he doesn’t know where this confidence came from.

 

Kyunghoon squirmed and whined, while trying to crawl out of Heechul’s grasp. He bit his lips and then gave Heechul a smirk after some thought. “If you debut then I will accept your confession.”

 

\--

 

Suddenly Heechul worked even harder in order to debut. The times he spent messing around and sneaking out did not happen anymore, he spent all his time training in singing, dancing, and even variety. He had so many hidden talents that he had to showcase and it was his goal now to debut and let it known.

 

When Lee Sooman announced the upcoming group called Super Junior, everyone is already nervous waiting for the outcome.

 

“Kim Heechul”

 

His eyes widened and all the bad energy from training left his body. His time is finally here and now he is on the road of success. He turned to Kyunghoon but Kyunghoon isn’t beside him. One might not see through Kyunghoon but Heechul could see through everything, the younger looked a bit upset because he did not improve himself enough to debut.

 

Heechul wrapped his arm around Kyunghoon’s shoulder as he sat beside him on the steps. He doesn’t like it when Kyunghoon is upset because it made him upset. Instantly Kyunghoon turned to him and smiled slightly, “congratulations hyung~ You will now become an idol and shake the heart of Korea.”

 

“I don’t want to shake the heart of Korea, I want to shake your heart.” His comment came out more blunt that expected because Kyunghoon’s face turned a bit red. Kyunghoon remained silent and tried to look away but Heechul grabbed his shoulder, turning him so they are making eye contact. “I normally do not put in this much time or effort into anyone. You said if I debut you will accept my confession.”

 

Kyunghoon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. With a sigh, he pulled Heechul’s hand off of his shoulder, not missing the disappointed look in Heechul’s eyes. “I know I said that but come on hyung, you will be famous now! You will be surrounded by so many people in the same industry as you and you will meet a lot of more popular idols...I-I’m just a regular person.”

 

“Yah Min Kyunghoon” Heechul’s tone turned serious as he looked at the younger, “I didn’t want to be a celebrity to meet other celebrities. I wanted to be a celebrity because that was my dream but you know who helped me achieve that? You. I almost gave that up because I started to like you more than becoming an idol. If you gave me two options now to pick between you and being in Super Junior, I will go back inside the building and tell them I want to quit.”

 

Kyunghoon pulled Heechul’s arm and looked straight into his eyes. “You better not do that.”

 

“Then don’t push me away.”

 

There was something dark in the sky, something vague and hard to make out so he ignored it, right now Kyunghoon was more important. “Kyunghoon, right now even if you want to quit training, I will still support whatever it is you want to do.” Heechul is clenching his teeth, trying to hold back how broken he is. “I really love you Kyunghoon, I loved you since I first saw you. Everyone thought you were strange and didn’t talk much but I thought you were different. When I got to know you better, I started to like you even more. You were always so kind and not selfish, you helped me even though it took away your time.” His voice gets stronger to overpower the wind, “Please don’t push me away...”

 

Kyunghoon’s eyes became watery from seeing how pitiful Heechul looked. He never thought someone so strong and gave a strong aura to everyone would look this desperate for him. The time he is contemplating is the time Heechul pulled him into a sweet kiss. Tears started to drop down his face but he responded to the kiss.

 

\--

 

Heechul walked back inside noticing the intense atmosphere of those surrounding him. No one said a word and looked at the room Lee Sooman was currently in, talking to the other Super Junior members. Slightly disappointed and frustrated Heechul looked at the trainees, “were you guys talking bad about me or something? Why wasn’t I called to the meeting?”

 

He rolled his eyes and proceeded to walk to where the members were having a meeting, ignoring the protest from the other trainees.

 

His hand stopped on the doorknob when he heard the conversation inside. “Please think over this again sajangnim...what if he has a mental breakdown again? Especially during something important, like a performance? We worked so hard to debut and I am afraid he will mess it up for us!” Kangin voice is pretty loud and clear but Heechul leaned closer to the door to hear more of this conversation. The close distance felt like a darkness dwelling him closer to the new source of materials.

 

“It’s been over a year, that will surely not happen. I give everyone an equal opportunity. Heechul has been improving so much these past months and I cannot just waste his talents because you are all concerned that he will have a breakdown over the death of Kyunghoon.”

 

The door suddenly opened, causing everyone to startle.

 

“H-Hyung” Donghae stutter upon seeing the expression on Heechul’s face.

 

_“We cannot sneak out every night hyung” Kyunghoon pulled a drunk Heechul on his shoulder. “Even if you are stressed, you cannot rely on me to always take you back to the dorms like this.”_

 

_“You say that every time but you always take me back” Heechul smiled mischievously, his steps are getting more wobbly and Kyunghoon shook his head. Heechul is the older one between them but Heechul doesn’t have any responsibility because he is so dependent on Kyunghoon._

 

_Kyunghoon waved over the taxi and helped Heechul get inside. While Heechul leaned on Kyunghoon’s shoulder, Kyunghoon brushed the hair from Heechul’s face. “If you become an idol, you will get into a scandal every month if you behave like this. You’re lucky I’m always here for you.”_

 

_Heechul is drunk but his eyes were opened, looking at every action from Kyunghoon. Kyunghoon laughed at the wide-eyed male and shook his head. He faced the front again and a bright light flashed in front of his eyes, a truck was in the wrong lane and heading directly towards the taxi. It all happened so fast, there were so many honking noises coming from all sides and Kyunghoon panicked. He twisted his body and hugged Heechul tightly hoping the impact will not affect Heechul._

 

Heechul dropped down on the floor and rocked back and forth pulling his hair. Leeteuk and Yesung tried to help him up but he pushed them away. His fingers were shaking rapidly and he looked at his surroundings, everything seemed so blurry. “K-Kyunghoon…where is Kyunghoon?! No, this can’t be happening. Where is Kyunghoon?”

 

“Kyunghoon died over a year ago” Kangin spoke up since no one would, “No one wanted to tell you because you seemed so happy but seriously this cannot keep happening. You guys were in a car accident and you ended up in a coma while Kyunghoon didn’t make it. You woke up and before we could fill you in on everything, you kept acting like Kyunghoon was still around, and well since it didn’t hurt anybody, everyone played it off with you. But come on Heechul, we have to move on with our lives.”

 

“What are you talking about? That isn’t right. You guys even talked to him at dinner, Donghae that night we went to dinner together and Eunhyuk tried to grab the piece of meat-”

 

“Hyung, Kyunghoon wasn’t there. W-We only played along with you because we were too afraid of telling you the truth. Kyunghoon was never with us.”

 

“Stop lying to me. He was with us, he was there-”

 

“Didn’t you notice that when you paid for Kyunghoon’s portion it was only yours you paid for? Kyunghoon never ate with us.” Donghae felt tears forming in his eyes as he wiped them away. “Hyung it hurts us to deceive you all this time but right now it is time to face reality. Kyunghoon is gone.” 

 

“Kyunghoon did not die. He said he would accept my confession if I get to debut and he just accepted it. Do you think I’m crazy?” Heechul got up from the floor, “I will bring you Kyunghoon right now.”

 

Before he could step any further, Shindong pulled him back and looked at him with sorry eyes. “We can bring you to meet his parents and then his grave site. You can pay your respects to him there because we don’t gain anything right now by telling you that Kyunghoon is gone.”

 

_\--_

 

Alternating between seeing Kyunghoon’s parents and his older brother made Heechul dead on his feet. Kyunghoon’s mother looked so angry and storming at him, scolding him for his negligence. This he couldn’t remember at all because he was in a coma but right now he could see that out of the 3, she still resented him.

 

“Alcohol was in your system and not Kyunghoon’s. He died because he helped you! While you woke up and everything was great for you and your family, I lost my youngest son. I woke up everyday and realized he isn’t with me anymore and I desperately wanted to take his place. He is was young and had a bright future ahead of him.”

 

Her words caused Heechul to cry, wishing that she slapped or killed him so she could feel more content. He could not remember much of the night but she was right, Kyunghoon only died because he went with him and also shielded for him.  

 

“Holding Kyunghoon unconscious body in my hand” her fingers were shaking as she remembered that night. “Blood was everywhere and it was hard to recognize that he was my son. I looked at his face, wishing for some bit of movement but nothing. He died on site and even with all my wishing and praying, he left with no goodbyes. If I knew this would happen I would have never let him go to the audition and never meet you.”

 

Suddenly Kyunghoon’s father stopped her from getting more emotional and possibly making Heechul feel guiltier. “Look Heechul, Kyunghoon’s life is something we cannot bring back. I know you are hurting as much as us and I know you didn’t mean for this to happen so don’t blame yourself.”

 

“She’s right, it is my fault, Kyunghoon died trying to protect me.”

 

“I know you would have done the same for him.” His warm smile reminded Heechul so much of Kyunghoon. “I heard from the other trainees that you been coping with life by thinking Kyunghoon is still around, they said you treated him so well. Regardless of what my wife said, she just misses Kyunghoon so don’t take it to heart.”

 

Heechul played with his jacket absently until he got the courage to let out his heavy breath, it is time and he is ready, ready to meet Kyunghoon. “I-I have a favor to ask. Can you please tell me where Kyunghoon is buried?”

 

\--

 

His shaking fingers ran through Kyunghoon’s picture, feeling as if he was stroking some stray strands of dark hair from Kyunghoon’s face. His mood instantly changing and he could only handle so much stress from his body. There were so many questions he wanted to ask the younger but he had to calm himself down first.

 

“Hoonie, are you resting well? I feel dumb because it took me over a year to realize you left me alone.” He took a deep breath while wiping away the countless tears running down his face. “I miss you so much, I also blame himself because I know you only died trying to save me. Kyunghoon-ah” Heechul dropped down on his knees while throwing his body to the tombstone, hugging it tightly as if it were Kyunghoon. “The person with me the whole time was really you right? I know you never left my side, I know you were always beside me to help me overcome my weakness and debuted. I know it was you.”

 

Heechul was still hopeful, yet that was dissipating as everyone kept telling him he was imagining things, but he definitely saw Kyunghoon and he felt Kyunghoon. More often than not, he felt like Kyunghoon never left him.

 

For whatever reason it was, he was thankful, thankful to have a friend like this. “I know I never confessed when you were still alive but while you were around me, I confessed two times. I don’t care if you left, I won’t move on with other idols like you told me to. No one smile is as cute as yours and no one made me as happy as you. Did you know I also thought of ending my life just to meet you again? But I knew you would be mad at me because you risked your life for me, so I don’t want to see you mad because you being happy is much cuter.”

 

Heechul looked at the tombstone and tried to put on a smile. “I already told everyone you’re my boyfriend, at first everyone thought I was crazy and I thought it was because I’m in love with someone that is dead but it turned out they’re just against homosexuals. I shut them up real quick.” He swallowed his breath seeing that he kept talking to someone that isn’t responding. “Yah Min Kyunghoon, at least hit me with a sign that you agree to be my boyfriend. I know it was you that responded to my kiss before.”

 

Heechul was getting restless, wishing Kyunghoon were by his side right now to at least decipher his change in emotion. “Since you are not responding, I will take it as a yes since I already told everyone and I don’t want to look like I got rejected because Kim Heechul does not get rejected.”

 

He sat there grieving and mourning for a couple more hours, people that came by to give respects to their loved ones all thought Heechul is out of his mind, but Heechul knows he isn’t crazy. He knows Kyunghoon could hear everything.

 

Finally Heechul stood up and gave the tombstone another hug. “I promise that I will try my best in Super Junior to not disappoint you. So then you can show off to everyone in heaven that you got such a cool boyfriend. I also promise to visit you a lot and I will dedicate many songs for you. I love you Min Kyunghoon.”

 

\--

 

 _The sound of the fall ocean waves that we listened together_  
_as I held you in my arms, is being washed and thrown away by the tears that are falling now._  
_Look at me and don’t cry._  
_You are the one_  
_You’re the only love for me_  
_You are the sun_  
_Your smile washes over me_  
_You are my love_  
_And I’m the only one for you_  
_I’ll always be by your side_  
_Love grows deeper as the tears do_  
_I become older as the pain grows_  
_I want to believe that all will be okay_  
_if I go where my heart takes me_

 _You are the one_  
_You’re the only love for me_  
_You are the sun_  
_Your smile washes over me_  
_You are my love_  
_And I’m the only one for you_  
_I’ll always be by your side_

 

It was rare to sing a love song and cry but Heechul did exactly that. He didn’t just sing this song for their first digital single, he sang it from his heart. It was exactly everything he felt for Kyunghoon.

 

\--

 

After a year into the celebrity life, it was safe to say that celebrity life is not easy and taking a hell of a toll on his body. He cannot even go outside without obsessed fans following him.  Not to mention, there were so many schedules and he didn’t get any sleep because everything was so tightly packed.

 

He did an utter sigh and unconsciously asked the members if this life will make him die faster. Unsurprisingly, there were no answers for the ridiculous question.

 

He sat with his phone in his hands while scrolling through sns, hearing the subtle despair and frustration complaint from the other members about the amount of schedule.

 

When they arrive at the broadcast station, every member was chatting around in the waiting room while Heechul was getting his hair done. He doesn’t pay attention to the door opening and the rookie groups coming inside to greet them.

 

“Hello~ We are a new rookie band. We wanted to stop by to show that we respect Super Junior very much. I’m Buzz’s leader Kim Yejun” the male bowed as he shook hands with some of the members. Heechul turned around hearing the greetings from the rookie band. The rest of the Super Junior members were talking to them in return and showing respect so the least he could do is also do the same, he shouldn’t look so cocky because everyone starts somewhere.

 

He got up from the seat and felt time freeze when he looked at the 5 members band, one really caught his attention and some Super Junior members attention also.

 

“I-I’m Buzz’s main vocalist, Kyunghoon. Please take care of us.” The long hair boy bowed 90 degrees. His fair skin and that soft voice, everything about him reminded Heechul of his boyfriend. When the two made eye contact, the boy gave him a warm smile.

 

_Kyunghoon…?_

 

\--

 

A/N: Buzz debuted before suju and I know all that info so that’s why this is fiction. Sorry for making it sad and open-ended so you guys can fill yourself in to whatever ending you want. Whether Kyunghoon came back or it’s a new person and they fall in love. Anyways thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes!!


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